Tomorrow is America’s 1st birthday and I have to admit, I have mixed emotions about it. Let me explain…
I’ve been a dad for one year and it’s been the best year of my life. I looked back on the blog to April 2007 and saw a post from April 3rd where I wrote about feeling nervous/anxious about becoming a dad. I made it through those things I was anxious about and I’ve become a dad to a little girl who is 150% dad’s girl. I couldn’t be happier. But I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past year and I want to share those things here.
The first thing I’ve learned is that I have a stronger stomach than I realized. I have done some cleanup jobs that would have gagged the non-dad version of me. I’ve been thrown-up on, pee’d on, pooped on, sneezed on (with snot connecting me to America) and I made it through without a single gag. Sorry to be so graphic, but all parents out there know what I’m saying is the truth.
Another thing I’ve learned is that I’m absolutely crazy about my little girl. I don’t like for her to spend the night with anybody because I miss her so badly. There’s no greater pleasure for me than to go to her bed in the mornings and see her standing there looking around and “talking” to herself. As soon as she spots me (or Jessica) she immediately bends down, picks up her blanket, and starts reaching up for one of us to pick her up. After she gets in our arms, she turns around to the bed and starts waving bye to it. Bedtime has the exact opposite effect for me. I hate to see her go to bed. I delay it sometimes by taking an extra-long time to brush her teeth, or we stop by my room/office and I’ll play some music for her (her favorite song right now is “Pride and Joy” by Stevie Ray Vaughan). But eventually Jessica gets the night-time bottle ready and we sit in the recliner while she takes her bottle and drifts off to sleep. I can’t count the number of times Jessica has gone to bed and I’ve considered getting America out her bed and holding her on my chest while we sleep in the recliner. I haven’t done that, yet, except when she’s sick.
I think the most important thing I’ve learned from America is to step back and look at myself every day and ask myself these things: What will she think of me as she gets older? Will she look up to me? Will she always be a dad’s girl like she is now, or will that wear off at some point? Will I somehow manage to fail at life and let her down? How will I convince her that God is real when I’m such a failure as a Christian?
The last two questions there are the biggest concerns for me. I fear failure now more than ever. Career-wise I could be doing better, and I try to do better, but I always seem to get stuck in a dead end. I sometimes contradict myself when I think of my dad. I never thought any less of my father for working in a factory for 20+ years. As a matter of fact, I admired him for that. I always thought it was so incredible how he’d never miss work unless he couldn’t help it, and that’s probably why I was worked at Food Lion for 13 years straight without missing a day. So sometimes I can talk myself out of worrying about career choices.
I think the most important thing is that I’m such a failure as a Christian and I never want her to see that. I look around the television and see things that could negatively influence her life and think to myself “I won’t allow my children to watch any of that garbage, ever!” when what I should be doing is examining my own life to see what I can clean up before she’s susceptible to any negativity, period.
I often think of this quote whenever I realize my failures as a Christian:
“The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” – Brennan Manning
So America has taught me a lot throughout the past year. Things that needed to be learned. I’m thankful for her and the changes she’s made in my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
After reading this blog Kevin I have no doubt as to how good of a father and a man you are. All we can do as parents is love our children and raise them with what we hope are beliefs that will influence their lives in the right way. As I have found out you can raise all of your children in the same manner but they each have unique personal traits that also influence their lives. Thus my 4 daughters that are so different. The last thing I have to say is how the quote you used about being a Christian touched home with me. It has caused me to beg my Heavenly Father for forgiveness because my actions do not always have a direct connection to the words I speak. Thank you for helping one who calls theirself Christian to examine their actions more closely. You should write a book. You have the most entertaining, insightful way of writing and what you have to say could help someone else. I love you all though I don’t get to see as much of you as I’d like.
Thanks for the encouragement, Anne. I appreciate the kind words! Also, I’m glad you were moved by that quote… I’ve never forgotten that statement from the first time I heard it about 13 years ago.
Again, thanks!
Kevin